his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
