I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize