i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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