you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
