It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
