So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
he fucked my hip out of place.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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