im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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