I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize