no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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