If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
