Michael Bay diarrhea
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
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