I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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