I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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