Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
