I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
