i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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