my phone needs a breathalizer
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
