yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
