he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
