i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
