Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
