He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
All the doctor said was why
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize