He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
