It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
