I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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