my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
