why didn't you poke me back
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize