Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I believe in your delicious
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
