I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
