she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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