Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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