I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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