I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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