Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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