we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
