No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
