I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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