what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
