I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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