3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
