we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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