A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
