the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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