you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
