Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
