Will you blow on my dice?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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