So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Even my vagina gasped.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
