Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
