why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
