My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
