I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
