OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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