just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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