I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
