I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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