Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
