Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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