How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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