He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
